Happy Birthday Ellie!!!

We celebrated Ellie's 5th Birthday yesterday and it was a great (Spongebob) party. She had over 10 friends show up and we had our inflatable waterslide, little pool, slip-n-slide out and the kids swam, played, ate and had a ball. Ellie is so much like her father, it kills me sometimes! I know she had a great day and enjoyed every minute of it, but I find myself constantly asking her, because she shows so little emotion, expression etc. She also, just like her father, gives minimal answers to my prying questions. I feel like I have to literally pull stuff out of her. I love her little personality and her wit and at times I want to scream, SMILE AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF!!!

I don't know if it's just because I'm not feeling well (allergies, head cold or sinus infection whatever?)but I've been so emotional these past couple of days. I know some of my emotion is the fact that "my baby" just turned 5! Five years old! How is that possible(tears streaming down my face as I type this)!!!!!! It makes me asks questions like, where did the past 5 years go? Have I been involved enough? Attentive enough? Comforting enough? Loving enough? Stable enough? Strong enough? etc. etc. etc.

I got a letter from my dear visiting teacher last night and she wrote something to the effect of "your a great mom and how lucky your girls are to have you" and exhausted and emotional from the day I found myself sobbing. Unable to accept the compliments and feel good about myself and say "yeah, my girls are lucky" I find myself feeling guilty for all the things I don't do, should have done, could have done different etc. I know this journey (motherhood, raising a family) is ongoing and something we strive to do better at each day. I find myself in bed (everynight) saying "I'll do better tomorrow, I'll spend more time playing with them, loving them etc" and everyday life gets busy and I can hardly find enough hours in the day to do what needs to get done and everyday I end the day feeling guilty and remorseful for how I spent the day! I don't want to be like this and yet, I don't know if it's just "mother's guilt" you know that kind you automatically get, the second you bear children, that never goes away and most of the time is superfluous and unwarranted. I know there are many things I need to do better, different and I'm trying and I'm exhausted! But I'll keep trying because I love being a mom and I love my girls more than anything!

Ellie and I spent her first 3 years alone together and they were wonderful! I remember the day my water broke with Zoe (6 weeks early) and Ellie was in my bed asleep and I was getting ready to snuggle in for a nap beside her. My first emotion or thought was "I'm not ready yet, me and Ellie have some things we need to do first before another person comes into our lives" Wierd, I know. But I felt panicked that our days alone together were over(and boy were they over. I didn't even know then what I know now, about her dear sister).

Ellie is 5 going on 15. She's an old soul who makes me smile and laugh everyday of my life. I feel like my life began the day she was born. I hope and pray I can be the mom she needs me to be! I'm sure part of my overwhelming emotion is the fact that with each year, comes more independence and less dependence on me. That scares me. One year closer to teenage years, which scares me more! With all the crap I see when I'm at work, it's hard not to fear the future of my daughters! I want to keep them small and young and innocent. I want to forever protect them from the hurt of the world and all it's misleadings. I know I can't and I can't live trying to or live in fear, but today I'm allowing myself to. It's so easy when they're young to protect them and manage their sorrows but the older they get, the more they become vulnerable to all the world holds and the pains and sorrows that you know, as a parent, they will face, but desperately want to spare them. Thomas Lynch wrote in The Way We Are, "It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm's way, shield him from pain. What good are fathers if not for these thing?" That sums up how I'm feeling today. Hopefully, more optimistic and braver tomorrow! With all that said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLIE! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!