I've Been Tagged!

Okay, Julie tagged me, so here are 8 Random things about me:
1) In High School, I wanted to be a Hippie and follow the Grateful Dead. I went to several Dead concerts and went for months without shaving my armpits or legs!
2) My appendix ruptured when I was 8 years old (while my mom was perming my hair) and I spent 6 days in the hospital, with perfect curls!!!!
3) I desperately wanted to be a STARS dancer when I was younger (if you aren't familiar w/ Stars - come talk to me).
4) When I'm alone in the car I turn the music up and sing really loud ( and I think I'm good, although I've been told otherwise - thanks Alex!) - I imagine I'm performing in front of a large group of people.
5) I am allergic to everything. As a child I used to get allergy shots twice a week, which haven't done a dang bit of good! When Marsh and Bob get the least bit sick, they call me to see if my allergies are buggin me, that helps them determine if they have something or if it's just allergies.
6) I'm a bit O.C.D. I have to take my clothes out of the dryer just as they are finishing - while warm and fold them - this avoids having to iron and keeps clothes crisp and pressed! This means I'll often start the dryer several times to warm them, if I don't get to them in time. A serious energy waster, I know!
7) I went to Expo '86 in Canada in a Motor Home when I was 11 yrs. old, with my Mom, Grandma, Aunts, Cousins and Sisters - we nearly died on this trip.
8) I used to rock climb in high school and had dreams of being a professional. For graduation I got all the gear and went all the time. I haven't been in years, but would love to!

Our Sad and Happy Day!!!

Okay, so about 4 months ago, I went out with my friend Julie and Matt was going to take the girls to see my Uncle Jeff's puppies. I threatened his life if he brought one home! I came home and while punching in the code to open my garage door, I hear a whining puppy. I'm furious!!!! I go in the garage and in the smallest box is a black lab, sitting on top of our bunny "Hopper" with a stuffed animal bear of Ellie's (to help her from missing her mom and crying all night). I couldn't believe it. The next day, I calmly sat Ellie down and explained to her how desperately the dog wanted to be back with her mom and that's why she cried all night (keeping me awake)! I told her we were taking it back and we could visit it whenever we wanted. I had the thing in the truck and Ellie sobbed like a baby. Of course, at this point, Matt's saying "you can take her back, I don't care". Right, how do I do that to Ellie now! So mean. Gave in and told her we could keep her if she would pick up her poop, walk her daily and feed her. Of course she agreed. The fun lasted about 2 weeks and quickly wore off, especially as the dog, which was beautiful, got bigger and jumped up on Ellie everytime she got near her, bit her, chewed every hose and pair of shoes we own etc. etc. So I'd finally had it last week. Called my uncle and asked him if he'd take the dog back. He agreed, so while Matt was at work I got a few pics of Ellie with her, loaded her in the truck and drove to my uncle's. Ellie had agreed for months that we didn't want the dog and she wanted to get rid of her. Of course, all that changes when it really comes down to getting rid of her. So needless to say, I was sick to my stomach the whole way over and me and Ellie sobbed there and back, but I did it and it's been Heaven without her. I'm just not a dog person. I've been enjoying my poop free backyard again and not having to argue with Ellie every morning to go take care of her. Part of me does miss her though! Thanks Matt for allowing us this opportunity!!!!! I'm not at all bitter!

OUR DAY AT LAGOON!!!!

Me, Alex, McCall and Alison took Ellie and Zoe to Lagoon on Friday, the 27th. It was hot and crowded but we still enjoyed ourselves. I'm a freak for big rides, so the poor girls got stuck hangin with my kids so I could ride all the big stuff. It was a great day!

OUR SOLANA BEACH VACATION!!!!

Our family went to Solana Beach and had the time of our lives. We stayed on the Beach and went to SeaWorld, Legoland, Mission Beach and hung out. It was so much fun! The girls finally decided they liked the beach, the day we came home, so I feel this need to get back soon! Of course, Ellie was full of funny comments, but the classic was after I was carrying her in asleep from the car to the condo and she woke up and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm a fan of worms, and I'm a fan of you". Have no idea where it came from, but it was great. Poor Zoe was sick the first 4 days and was quite lethargic and somber, until the last 2 days. She was great though and had her arms in the air when the plane took off. It was so cute!

THE BIGGEST LOSER'S WINNERS

WWWHHHHHOOOOOO - We made it!!!! After much starvation, exercise, working out in rubber suits, sucking on jolly ranchers and spitting in cups, cabbage soup and other things, I won't mention, We all lost our 16%- over 200 lbs. combined WOW!!!!! I've been a nervous wreck this past week, certain I wasn't going to make it and the anxiety was insane. I knew I couldn't lose my $500.00 the day before we venture off to California!!! I was on my scale at least 25 times a day and it's crazy how much I fluctuate. We couldn't even wait until the actual weigh in day, the 13th, because we were all sick of starving so we met at Nick's the night before at 11:o0 p.m. and weighed!!!! I did have to take my pants off in front of a complete stranger (one of the guys wives) but I didn't even care, as long as I was where I needed to be. We headed straight to Del Taco (of all places after- and ate like ravenous beasts - not to mention the chocolate I bought days before at Mrs. Cummings that I'd been hoarding and brought along with me). We're all thinking about another competition to keep it off or lose more. I don't know if I can handle the anxiety again, but being without 29 extra lbs. is quite nice!!!!!

Our New Nephew "Easton Seegmiller"

Marsh had her 9 lb. baby boy on Monday, the 9th!!!! He is a true miracle child!!!! He was initally thought to have "Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome", which is a horrible and unpredictable heart defect, but after much sorrow, prayers and fasting, it turned out to be "Coarctation of the Aorta" - which is much less severe, but still most likely requires surgery and a lot of uncertainty. He was born and is big and beautiful and it turns out he fooled us all. There is not ONE thing wrong with the little guy. He's perfectly normal and healthy and we're so glad he's here and well! Love ya, Marsh and Bob!!!! We're so happy, excited and relieved for you!!!!!

Happy Birthday Ellie!!!

We celebrated Ellie's 5th Birthday yesterday and it was a great (Spongebob) party. She had over 10 friends show up and we had our inflatable waterslide, little pool, slip-n-slide out and the kids swam, played, ate and had a ball. Ellie is so much like her father, it kills me sometimes! I know she had a great day and enjoyed every minute of it, but I find myself constantly asking her, because she shows so little emotion, expression etc. She also, just like her father, gives minimal answers to my prying questions. I feel like I have to literally pull stuff out of her. I love her little personality and her wit and at times I want to scream, SMILE AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT TELLS ME YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF!!!

I don't know if it's just because I'm not feeling well (allergies, head cold or sinus infection whatever?)but I've been so emotional these past couple of days. I know some of my emotion is the fact that "my baby" just turned 5! Five years old! How is that possible(tears streaming down my face as I type this)!!!!!! It makes me asks questions like, where did the past 5 years go? Have I been involved enough? Attentive enough? Comforting enough? Loving enough? Stable enough? Strong enough? etc. etc. etc.

I got a letter from my dear visiting teacher last night and she wrote something to the effect of "your a great mom and how lucky your girls are to have you" and exhausted and emotional from the day I found myself sobbing. Unable to accept the compliments and feel good about myself and say "yeah, my girls are lucky" I find myself feeling guilty for all the things I don't do, should have done, could have done different etc. I know this journey (motherhood, raising a family) is ongoing and something we strive to do better at each day. I find myself in bed (everynight) saying "I'll do better tomorrow, I'll spend more time playing with them, loving them etc" and everyday life gets busy and I can hardly find enough hours in the day to do what needs to get done and everyday I end the day feeling guilty and remorseful for how I spent the day! I don't want to be like this and yet, I don't know if it's just "mother's guilt" you know that kind you automatically get, the second you bear children, that never goes away and most of the time is superfluous and unwarranted. I know there are many things I need to do better, different and I'm trying and I'm exhausted! But I'll keep trying because I love being a mom and I love my girls more than anything!

Ellie and I spent her first 3 years alone together and they were wonderful! I remember the day my water broke with Zoe (6 weeks early) and Ellie was in my bed asleep and I was getting ready to snuggle in for a nap beside her. My first emotion or thought was "I'm not ready yet, me and Ellie have some things we need to do first before another person comes into our lives" Wierd, I know. But I felt panicked that our days alone together were over(and boy were they over. I didn't even know then what I know now, about her dear sister).

Ellie is 5 going on 15. She's an old soul who makes me smile and laugh everyday of my life. I feel like my life began the day she was born. I hope and pray I can be the mom she needs me to be! I'm sure part of my overwhelming emotion is the fact that with each year, comes more independence and less dependence on me. That scares me. One year closer to teenage years, which scares me more! With all the crap I see when I'm at work, it's hard not to fear the future of my daughters! I want to keep them small and young and innocent. I want to forever protect them from the hurt of the world and all it's misleadings. I know I can't and I can't live trying to or live in fear, but today I'm allowing myself to. It's so easy when they're young to protect them and manage their sorrows but the older they get, the more they become vulnerable to all the world holds and the pains and sorrows that you know, as a parent, they will face, but desperately want to spare them. Thomas Lynch wrote in The Way We Are, "It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm's way, shield him from pain. What good are fathers if not for these thing?" That sums up how I'm feeling today. Hopefully, more optimistic and braver tomorrow! With all that said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLIE! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!

Thanksgiving Point

We went to the Zoo at Thanksgiving point with Julie, Jane, Ike and Calin. The kids had a blast! It was our first hot day and we all enjoyed it!